Best hat ever.

Two a day.

The office stinks of smoke. There's a sleeping bag on rolled out on the floor and the bin is full of dirty underwear. I sit down at the desk and wait. Eventually she walks in with a cigarette in her mouth. Shuts the door behind her and pulls a box of matches out of her pocket. She strikes a match.
"Alright?"
"Fucking hell." She drops the match and it lands on the sleeping bag.
"How's your arm?"
She stubs the match out with her foot then looks at me. "You what?"
"Your arm looks better."
She shakes it. "Yeah, it wasn't broken."
"Oh."
She perches on the desk. "No time long see."
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
She frowns. "I thought it was ok?"
"What?"
"You haven't given up on it have you?"
"What?"
"The Helpline."
"You nearly got killed."
"Wasn't that bad, anyway, how come you haven't been in. We've had loads of phonecalls."
"What?"
"Yeah. A couple a day. More than I can deal with. I can't believe it really. Everyone's so greatful. It's so fucking... you know?"
"So you've been living here?"
She looks at the floor. "Yeah. Is that alright? My landlord kicked me out because I couldn't make my payments when I was ill."
"Shit."
"It's only until I can find somewhere."
"I'm not sure the University will be ok with it."
"Do they need to know?"
"Hasn't anyone come to clean?"
She shakes her head.
"I've been collecting the testimonials and the objects. Everything's been above board."
"Right?"
"You're not happy."
"It's ok. I just..." I look around the room. "How'd you get in?"
"Reverie gave me the key. I bumped into her when I got out of hospital. A couple of weeks ago. She said it'd be fine."
"Right."
"You're not happy."
"It doesn't matter," I say.
"Good. You off to this party tonight?"
"What?"
"Never mind."

Lies

"So basically, I don't have a clue what I'm going to do."
She nods, takes a drag of her cigarette and then drops it on the floor. "You still got the office?"
"I'm supposed to give the key back."
She shrugs.
"So no ideas?"
She shrugs.
"Great."
"You wanna go to this party tonight?"
"What party?"
"Oh, never mind then."
I look at her and she smiles at me.
"Cheer up Mark - something good will happen."
"Right."
My phone rings and it's the University admin office asking for the key back. I tell them I've already given it back.
"Why'd you do that?"
I shrug.

Why this poem is bad.

I’m not going to offend your intellect
by pointing out that this doesn’t rhyme.
(I’m not running a leaky-boat hire company here)
I’m not gonna say that it’s because
it doesn’t fit into a formal meter.
This poem is bad because
I am not a poet
and I don’t even like poetry
I’ve had this idea see?
- and I don’t even have the will to see it through.

Jack Hill

"So which version of you am I am experiencing at the moment?"
I shrug. "It's not like I'm really trying to fuck with people's heads?"
"And what does the young lady that you live with think about this?
"Which one? The real one or the fictional one?"
He takes a sip of his beer. "That's the point isn't it?"
"Maybe." I look at him. "So did you enjoy it today?"
"The lesson?"
"Yeah. I think it was better than last weeks'. I really hate teaching poetry."
"People seemed to enjoy it."
"Yeah," we finish our drinks.
"Best go," he says.
I pick up my bag. "Yeah, me too." We say our goodbyes and leave separately. In the car I phone home and tell them I'll be a while. Then I set off. The roads are pretty quiet and I get out of Ilkley in no time. Take the main road to Otley and then turn left when i get to the town centre then take the road through Farnley and up Jack Hill and over the top. There's a few different ways to go and they're all pretty much the same. You end up going past Little Armscliffe this way but it's a bit of a drag up the hill. When I leave Otley I notice that the petrol tank's pretty empty. Enough to get me home but it's on red. Half-way up Jack Hill my engine stalls. I apply the handbreak etc. Basically, I don't know how it works but it's like there's not enough petrol in the tank and it's not leaving the tank because the car's on the hill. I get out of the car. Across the valley you can see the lights of Otley or somewhere. I sit on the wall and watch them. A car drives past but I don't get up. It doesn't stop. Then there's a noise in the tree above me and an owl flies takes off past me and flies low over the field. There's another noise and I look up and there's a teenage boy sitting in the tree with one of those hawking gloves on.
He nods at me. "Alright."
I nod. "Is that your owl?"
"Yeah."
"I wish I had an owl."
"It's not that good," he says. "You gotta take them out every night to catch their dinner. It's worse than having a dog."
"Can't you just feed them earlier?"
He shakes his head. "Doesn't work like that."
"Oh." I look at him. "CanI have a go?"
"Doesn't like strangers."
"Ok."
"What you doing here?"
"Car's stuck."
"No petrol?"
"I think it's the hill."
"Just go back down. Go fill up in Pool."
I look at him but he looks away and whilstles. The owl comes swooping out the dark and lands on the glove. It's got a mouse in its talon.
"Need a hand?" he says.
"Should be alright."
"Good," he says. "It's not so easy pushing a car with an owl on your hand."
"Probably not." I get back in the car and roll it backwards and round. The I head off back down towards Pool

Route shown here.